Hi there
Thanks for your message. It sounds like you have been experiencing a lot of things that have made you feel low, including the loss of your nana and the problems within your family. It’s great that you have felt able to write me this letter to tell me a little bit about how you are feeling.
Losing someone close to you might leave you feeling a lot of mixed emotions, some which also might feel new. It’s natural to have a wide range of feelings in the following days, weeks, months and years afterwards. It might be that you feel shock, guilt, anger, sadness and depression; and you may feel some of these at the same time, or go through phases. There is a website for young people to express how they are feeling at different stages of losing someone called RD4U where people can leave messages about the feelings they have. You could also take a look at the ChildLine message boards on the bereavement thread to see what other young people are saying or even write your own post too.
Something that some people find useful when someone close dies is to do something that helps them to remember their loved one and all the good times they had together. Whilst it's natural to think about all the things we could have done, remembering the good times can really help. How about creating a memory box of things that remind you of your Nana, collecting some photos together, or even writing a poem to describe your memories and feelings? Some people find it useful to write a letter to their loved one, just to be able to think about what you might have liked them to know.
Although your family are finding it hard to accept that you want to talk to your grandad, it is your choice if you would still like to. Different people cope in different ways and it sounds like you would still like to have a relationship with your grandad, and that’s ok. The relationship you have with your grandad is not affected by the way you feel about your nana, and nothing can take away the feelings and memories you have for your nana, or change the way you feel about your family; so its important you are able to do what’s right for you.
If you feel you would like to talk some more about your feelings, someone at ChildLine is always there to listen. You can call on 0800 1111 (which is free from all UK phones including mobiles, and won't show up on the bill) or you can speak to a counsellor online by setting up an account, either though email or a 1-2-1 chat (which is a bit like MSN).
Take care
Sam