Domestic violence

If somebody in your family uses bullying or violence to get another adult to do what they want this is domestic violence. Domestic violence is a way of trying controlling other people’s behaviour, it might include:

- Violence – hitting, kicking, punching, pushing, hair pulling.
- Threats – threatening to hurt you, another person in your family, or a pet. Threatening to stop money for food or bills.
- Sexual - making another person take part in sexual activity when they don’t want to, or making someone watch sexual material on the internet or television.
- Financial – not allowing somebody to spend their own money or not giving them money for basic things such as food, nappies for babies, or clothes.
- Stopping someone from going to work.
- Cultural or honor violence - being hurt or abused as a punishment for something that is not seen as culturally acceptable by your community or family. Being forced to marry someone or demanding bigger dowries.

If you’ve seen domestic violence at home or have been hurt or bullied by your boyfriend or girlfriend – it is never your fault. You and your family don’t have to put up with it. You have the right to feel safe in your own home.

Abuse often gets worse over time and by the time somebody decides they no longer want to be in a relationship it can be very difficult to get out. Some reasons people stay are because:

- They’re too scared to leave.
- They don’t have money or anywhere else to go.
- They’re worried about taking their children out of school and moving
them to a new area.
- They no longer have the strength to leave.
- They may hope that the abuse will stop.

It is unusual for a relationship to be violent straight away, although this can sometimes happen. Usually it starts with jealousy, constant checking up on what you’re doing or bullying. Your partner might complain about the clothes you wear or they might not want you to hang out with your friends anymore. They might want to be with you all of the time and get moody or angry if you say you want to be with your friends.

Many people find that they slowly become more distant from friends and even family. When this happens friends sometimes feel that you want to be with your partner instead of them. They won’t know that you feel like you don’t have a choice and might feel hurt, confused or angry. If you think that your relationship might be abusive think about how your partner reacts to the things you do.

- Do they try and stop you from spending time with other people – friends or family?
- Do they get angry with you if things aren’t going the way they want them to?
- Do they say unkind things about your friends or family?
- Are you afraid to say ‘no’ to them?
- Does your partner go through your phone or complain if someone texts or calls you?
- Do you feel pressured into having sex with them?
- Do they ask you to have sex with their friends?
- Do they ever hit, push, shove or kick you (physical violence)?
- Do they call you names, or tell you that you are not good looking, or say you’re too fat, too thin?
- Do they make you feel that you are not good enough?
- Do you feel that your partner checks up on you all the time?

If you answered yes to any of the questions you might be in an abusive relationship. Sometimes we make excuses for our partners because we love them – maybe they are stressed because of exams or maybe they are having a difficult time at home. We might even think that we did something to deserve it. Whatever the excuses we come up with abuse is wrong and must stop. ChildLine is always here for you you can talk to us if you're worried you might be in an abusive relationship.

Having sex is a big decision. If you don’t feel comfortable or ready to have sex with someone, then you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should care about you enough not to pressure you or make you do something you’re not happy about. There can be a lot of pressure from other people to have sex and it might seem everyone else is doing it or talking about it. This shouldn’t be the reason thatyou start having sex – you should do it because you want to. Remember most under 16s aren't having sex - studies show that most people wait until they're at least 16 to have sex. If you need to talk about sex you can call ChildLine.

A healthy relationship has love and trust - you can be yourself and talk about how you feel and what you want. Even when you don’t agree or argue you try to understand each other’s views and decisions and find a way to work things out. Both of you will compromise and respect each others opinions. Being in a relationship should be something that makes you happy. When you are in a good relationship, you feel comfortable and not under pressure to impress or do anything you don’t want to do. You can talk to your friends when you want to and spend time with them without feeling you might get into trouble.